


bad days

by LightningInABottle



Series: BLUE LIPS [13]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Drug Withdrawal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Recovery, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 11:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18475276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningInABottle/pseuds/LightningInABottle
Summary: Thomas and Alexander meet up with old friends, make an important phone call, and receive a wedding invitation. Not all at the same time. They are both happier than they have ever been.But remembering, forgetting, and letting go are more closely intertwined than either of them think.





	bad days

**Author's Note:**

> For enhanced reading experience, and understanding what the hell is going on, read the previous works in this series.  
> And listen to bad days by Tove Lo!

Thomas knew that recovery would be a long process. The doctors at the clinic told him that drug dependency was not something easily shaken off, even James had told him that Alexander wasn’t just going to get better because he was talking openly. But hearing it from Alexander was something else entirely. Having to sit still and listen as Alexander spilled his guts about his ex was excruciating at best. 

But Thomas had listened. And now, he understood. John Laurens’ death was what happened more than a year ago, causing Alexander to go into his isolated stasis. And set him up for the spiral of self-destruction. 

“I want to help,” was the first thing that Thomas had said to Alexander the morning after the walls Alexander had built up broke, crumbling away to reveal the truth. Alexander had sat up in bed closing his eyes in a mockery of serenity and shaking his head sadly.

“I don’t think you can, Thomas. I might not ever get completely better. I’m always gonna blame myself for not being there, with him.” There were the words Thomas was so afraid of hearing. They set a cold, lead weight in his stomach that made even his blood feel heavy when he realized that no matter how hard he tried, Alexander would never be the same.

“So what can I do?” He was so desperate, grasping at straws. Alexander needed to know how much he was loved, what Thomas was willing to do for him. They loved each other, that was for certain. But sometimes, love wouldn’t be enough. As much as he was trying to rebuild, the fear still lodged in Thomas.

“Just listen. And stay with me.”

Thomas did. 

On days where Alexander was hyperactive and unwilling to leave his work alone, Thomas was there. On days where Alexander was more subdued, scrolling through his phone, fingers hovering over old contacts and old wounds, Thomas was there. And on days where he stayed in bed, longing for a hit, curling in on himself like his chest was hollowed out, Thomas was there.

It happened on one of those days, with Alexander suffering from a slight fever, storm clouds hanging above him, rainy tears shining in his eyes. Thomas wasn’t even sure what triggered it this time, but Alexander’s phone lay discarded on the other side of the room, so it seemed like a likely candidate. 

“He used to love me on my bad days too,” Alexander murmured into the pillow. “Even when the sun wouldn’t come out.” It was dark now, as well, with stormy weather making the city grey and overcast. Offhandedly, Thomas wondered just how many parallels could be drawn between John and him. And he wondered if Alexander had ever tried to document them all.

The sweltering heat of his sickness seemed to pervade the air, making it heavy. Thomas recalled the doctors telling him how to help the withdrawal process along, so he pushed himself up from the side of the bed in an attempt to go get water. Or, he would have, if not for the hand circling his wrist, holding him back. All it took was a feeble protest of ‘ _ don’t go’  _ for Thomas to settle back down.

“Okay…” he said slowly, watching Alexander intently. “Tell me more.” It wasn’t that Thomas  _ liked  _ hearing about John, but after such a long time waiting in silence, Alexander deserved to be able to speak out. Even if that meant Thomas feeling like something desperate was clawing at the inside of his chest. 

“When I was called to make a statement, about John, we were in a meeting two states south. On a business trip; arguing, as usual.” Alexander’s voice was hoarse, but it was gaining a strength that hasn’t been there before. “I was still in shock, and you were still going off about budget plans or whatever. I guess I thought I’d just wait for you to figure it out.”

Thomas remembered that day, the only normal day before Alexander hollowed himself out into a shell. He remembered Alexander halting a furious argument in order to pick up a phone, his face going ashen once he heard the voice on the other end. Nobody quite comprehended what was happening, but as soon as they were about to ask, Alexander stormed off. Took a two-week leave. When he came back he was...different.

And the rest was history.

Thomas chuckled, shaking his head so that some stray curls fell in his face. “I guess I just have an affinity for saying things that I shouldn't.” 

Alexander smiled, his eyes slightly unfocused, like he was drifting off somewhere else. “You would say things, months ago, weeks ago, minutes ago, that would trigger all of these feelings. From before. From a time you don't remember.” 

Another lump of guilt lodged in Thomas’s throat. “Do you wish you could forget what happened?” 

Alexander looked at him slightly startled, like the question was unexpected. “Well I forgot, I just can't let go.” 

Thomas stood again, crossed the room and retrieved Alexander’s phone. Unlocking it revealed texts, piling up in a group chat containing Gilbert, John, and someone named Hercules. Obviously, only three numbers were active. Alexander watched him scroll through the messages from the pillows, not stopping him. 

Thomas frowned. All of the texts were from Lafayette and Hercules, over the span of a year, all asking about how Alexander was doing, what was happening, if he would like to meet up. None received a response, yet Alexander was still scrolling through the chat. Why, Thomas didn't know. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Alexander. 

“Look, before you say anything, just know: if it was easy I'd forget about  _ him,  _ about everything. But I never really understood how—”

“You don't have to justify anything to me, Alexander, it's okay.” Thomas's words had no effect on him because he forged on. 

“—How people move on from one heart and love another so easily.” Alexander trailed off shaking his head. “If I could, I would. But I don't think I'm strong enough to keep moving forward if I start confronting what happened before.” 

Thomas understood, to an extent. If Alexander wanted to start fresh with Thomas, clean all of the pain out of his heart, he would have to cut off his past completely. But now that his recovery had forced him to confront it, all bets were off. 

_ —if it was easy, I'd forget about you, baby—but I never really understood-— _

“You should go see them,” Thomas said. “If only to put your ghosts to rest.” Alexander made a noise of discontent, burying his face into the pillow, so Thomas continued. “Please go see them? For me?” He waved the phone in front of Alexander until it was snatched away, a text hastily typed up before Alexander muttered “ _ fine”  _ and handed it back.

Well, Thomas sighed, smoothing away his hair. It was better than nothing. 

_ —how people move on from a heart to love another—oh, if I could, I would— _ _  
_

* * *

 

Thomas smiled warmly at Gilbert, nodded at Hercules. Alexander didn’t say much as they walked into the small coffee shop, just stared at the people who used to be his best friends. They sat down in a booth, drifting in awkward silence until Alexander cleared his throat and said, 

“So, uh. How’s it going?” 

Hercules all but lunged across the table and wrapped Alexander into a hug, immediately dissipating all of the tension. Gilbert mouthed ‘ _ thank you’  _ to Thomas, who patted Alexander on the arm and left. Alexander was in good hands, and he needed to catch up with his friends.

When Alexander came back, having taken the bus, he was grinning ear to ear. He plopped down next to Thomas on the couch, exhaling.

“That was nice,” he murmured, lacing their fingers together.

“Is this where I say  _ I told you so _ ?” 

“No, this is where you shut the fuck up and kiss me.” 

Thomas obliged, smiling against Alexander’s lips without a care in the world. He felt almost dizzy, like Alexander was the only thing keeping him from floating away. When they finally parted, Thomas drew Alexander closer to him, until the pounding of their hearts matched up. 

“Wanna tell me about it?” When Alexander sighed in response, Thomas backpedaled. “You don't have to if you don't—”

Alexander cut him off. “No, I do. I guess it's strange talking about it so openly. We just kinda caught up on things, how we've been. It's been a while since I've seen any of them.” 

“I assume you liked seeing your old friends?” Thomas threaded his fingers through Alexander’s hair.

“I did. After everything happened with John, I picked at all that I could think of. Flaws, insecurities, everything. I guess I picked that up from you.” 

Thomas shifted around uncomfortably. How many different ways could he phrase the words ‘ _ I'm sorry’  _ until they were enough to apologize for all of the hatred and rivalry between them? “I'm so sorry. For everything. I know I've said it before, but I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you into playing therapist and patient with me. I just...no one could make me feel so useless as you when you had all these secrets and pain.”

Alexander pressed a finger over Thomas’s lips. “I know I did it to you, too.” Slowly but surely, they were becoming more comfortable with each other, breaking down barriers and walls put up around hearts. Thomas was so, unconditionally, in love. It was a strange feeling, one that he often ended up questioning.

“Now kiss me again, you asshole.” Alexander grinned, looking more alive than he had in months. 

No, Thomas was definitely in love.

* * *

 

“Hey, Martha. I'm gay.” Thomas cursed at himself for starting the call like that, wondering if he should just hang up and put himself out of his misery. “I, uh, thought you should know. Yeah.” He was shaking and had to reach out to the doorframe of the bedroom to steady himself. There was silence on the other end of the line. Piercing silence. Thomas's heart pounded out a frantic drumbeat, breaths picking up. Just like that, he was once again a terrified teenager trying to stay closeted.

“Thomas…” Martha’s voice was deceptively slow. This was it, he was about to be disowned. “I already knew.”

“What.” Thomas's mind skidded to a halt. That was not part of the plan.

“I said I already—”

He sagged against the door, all of his air leaving him in one sigh. “No, I heard you the first time. How did you…?”

Martha laughed, and her voice unraveled some of the tension in Thomas's chest. “It's not too difficult to connect the dots. The phone call right before Thanksgiving is what did it in. Your  _ bro, Alex,  _ really?”

Thomas was laughing too now, squeezing his eyes shut in relief. He couldn't believe how quickly that was over. “I panicked, okay?” His amusement tapered off. “But it's all chill, right?”

Martha's smile somehow transferred itself through the phone. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about, Thomas. You're still my brother and I love you.”

“Love you too, you dork.” 

Martha giggled again. “ _ I'm  _ not the one who's first line of heterosexual defense is ‘ _ my bro.’  _

Thomas felt better than he had in a while. When he finally hung up and made his way to the kitchen, he saw Alexander already there, fixing a sandwich. 

“I heard you laughing. Was that Martha?” 

Thomas nodded, grabbing a piece of tomato and popping it in his mouth. “Mhm. I came out to her.” 

“How'd it go?” 

Thomas ran a hand through his hair, still trying to process everything that had happened. “Good.”

Alexander tossed his lunch on a paper plate. “That's good.” He jumped up on the counter, sitting down next to a pile of junk mail. “Oh shit, I almost forgot. Burr and Theodosia’s wedding is coming up. They sent us an invitation.” He handed a blue and ivory cardstock to Thomas.

“Do you want to go?”

Alexander kicked his feet, staring down at the kitchen tile. “I mean, yeah, but everyone else we know is going to be there. The Schuyler’s, for example. Don't act like every word that we’ll speak to them isn't going to cut deep.”

Thomas watched Alexander eat his sandwich, milling over the scenario in his mind. Even a regular conversation could trigger shit in Alexander he never even thought about before.

“Do you ever miss it?” Thomas said without thinking. “The times before?” 

Alexander slipped off the counter, wrapping one arm around Thomas's waist and placing his other hand on the back of his neck. 

“I still remember all the good times,” Alexander breathed, eyes burning like a star getting its light back. “If not, I'll recreate them all.” 

Thomas pressed their lips together once before pressing the invite to Alexander’s chest. “So we’ll go?” 

Alexander smiled reassuringly. “Yeah, we will. Just know that...if it was easy, I'd forget about everything in the past.” He glanced at the white paper before taking it from Thomas and setting it on the counter. “But I never really understood how people could just move on, take their heart and go give it to someone else. If I could do that, I would.”

Thomas took Alexander's hand, kissed their intertwined fingers. There were so many things to say, but they could all wait until later. Now, he was here with Alexander, both of them clean and sober and happier than ever. The sun was shining. There would be other opportunities to talk about everything. Now, they were in love. 

_ —if it was easy, I'd forget about you, baby—but I never really understood-— _

“Go on a walk with me?” Thomas grinned, digging his apartment keys out of his pocket. 

Alexander raised an eyebrow, but followed him out. “You're so random.”

“You know you love me,” Thomas said, tugging him outside. 

“I know.” 

_ —how people move on from a heart to love another—oh, if I could, I would— _ _  
_

* * *

 

One week after they got the invitation, two weeks before the wedding itself, and Thomas still hadn't gotten Alexander a suitable jacket and tie. But those things could wait; this was far more important. They drove down the road, Alexander at the wheel. He was humming under his breath, a cheerful action considering the deep frown marring his face. 

“If I could, I would...oh, if I could, I would….”

They pulled into a cemetery only thirty-minutes drive away from their apartment. Neither of them spoke, although Thomas kissed Alexander's cheek before walking with him past the gates. Thomas sat down on a bench, while Alexander stumbled, wide-eyed, to a small grave with words engraved:

 

_ John Laurens _

_ Caring son, faithful friend, and brave to the end _

 

Alexander sank down in front of it, murmuring words that Thomas could barely discern. Yet they still carried themselves on the breeze to Thomas's ears. As much as he didn't want to hear Alexander's words to his dead boyfriend, he couldn't help but listen. 

“I try, John, I really do. But it's like we're in the same crowd, the same scene—like we always were—and I always see you in all of the old places I used to go. Like your ghost is still there. So I don't know how…” Alexander trailed off, words becoming choked. “I'm supposed to act fine but I  _ can't,  _ because we used to be burning love. That died, because  _ you died  _ and I haven't even been able to say that until now.”

Thomas shivered, colder than ice, when Alexander broke down into silent sobs over John’s grave. Why was he surprised? Alexander had bottled up his grief for so long, tried to avoid it with drugs and booze and sex, that when it finally came spilling out, it was like a tsunami. 

“I love you, John. But I need to let you go. I guess that's how…” Alexander kissing his fingertips and touched them to the stone. A goodbye. “I guess that's how we do it now.” 

And the Alexander pushed himself off the ground, brushed the dirt off his knees, and walked towards Thomas. 

_ —if it was easy, I'd forget about you, baby—but I never really understood-— _

As soon as they were close enough, he threw his arms around Thomas and held him tight, like a tether. They clung to each other like they had nowhere else to go. What was once two bodies finding each other in a disco club became two hearts finding each other in sunny summer days and slightly-dusty apartments. 

_—how people move on from a heart to love another—oh, if I could, I would—_ _  
_ “Hey, Thomas?” Alexander said, pulling away. “Thank you. For everything you've done. I wouldn't have gotten better without you. And now, I think I'm finally understanding. It's not easy to forget about someone, but I don't need to forget John. I'll always remember him, I just need to move on. My heart is yours, as long as you want it.”

“I'll want it forever,” Thomas promised him.

They kissed in the middle of the cemetery, broken but mending, more happy with each other than they had ever been. There would be bad days, sure, but today was a good day. And they were so in love. 

_ —oh, if I could, I would—oh, if I could, I would— _ __  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! Only one more fic to go.   
> Follow my instagram @lightningin.abottle for writing updates and behind-the-scenes  
> Thank you for reading and don't forget to leave a comment!


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